Sweatshop Rainbow Flag is No Better Than Sweatshop T-Shirts

Some time last month I went to a reading by Mattilda Berstein Sycamore for her new book The End of San Francisco. I then read the book in like 2 days. All of it brought back this wave of feelings from when I was involved in queer activism, why I left, and why I am reluctant to return.

just wanted to add some kind of picture/public service announcement that involved food

It was the 90's and I spent most of that time either in Texas, Kansas, or New York. I came out in the mid 80's and a great deal of the activism around me involved HIV/AIDS. Much of that was coming from ACT UP. The direct action work that was going on then didn't focus on just getting health care to gay men with AIDS, but to fight the pharmaceutical corporations from making enormous profits from peoples' illnesses and death.

Much of the time, as Mattilda mentions, the direct action moved to other social justice work, especially in bigger cities where the Queer community brushed up against communities of color. Many times it was this Queer community, people already living on the fringes of society on so many levels, that would try to organize some kind of direct action when a cop killed a person of color. In her words:  "ACT UP meant fighting AIDS because everyone was dying, and it also meant making connections - between government neglect of people with AIDS and structural homophobia and racism; between the US war machine and the lack of funding for health care; between misogyny and the absence of resources for women with AIDS; between the war on drugs and the abandonment of HIV-positive drug addicts and prisoners."

Then something started to happen. Some weird kind of shift. Mattilda writes about a moment during one of their direct action planning meeting, they were all set to make it a go, and someone said something along the lines of not really wanting to do it anymore because it had nothing to do with them personally. I remember several similar discussions in the communities I was working in, and had the same kind of jaw dropping reaction: "what the hell did they think social justice advocacy work was about?"

It was also around this time that I started hearing more and more about some kind of national movement around Gay Marriage. Language is key here. NOT Queer marriage, NOT LGBT marriage. But Gay marriage. For folks like me who see the inclusion of only Gay as the equivalent of entitled white privilege middle to upper class folks who want to be just like the rest of the population, they just happen to fall in love with people of the same sex/gender. Oh, and they love to toss out the word LOVE.

At the start of this movement, there was a chance (in Dallas anyway) of working with opposite sex/gender couples who also wanted to see the way marriage is defined and treated in society and the legal system, done differently. The national Gay Marriage movement refused to work with any other group. It didn't take long for this movement to gather the majority of the resource (people and money and time), and for those of us working in other areas to either give up or struggle super hard.

I was working with queer youth at the time, and decided to give up. If I questioned the decision to move in this direction... well I was straight up ignored sometimes in very hostile ways.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was also in the midst of my first big relationship, and we had decided to have a commitment ceremony. I am not against people wanting to celebrate that in this crazy world, 2 (or more) people have found one another and want to make a go of a relationship, however they decide to define it... no laws or government or church has to sanction it to be true. I also recognize the huge importance of having your community gather together and make a commitment to support your commitment. I get it, but I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS MAKING ANYONE SAFER! And I think that the Queer community could lead the way in changing how we celebrate and define relationships! If there is something we are good at, its celebrating... even our struggles.

If "we" really want to have health care for all, true and just immigration reform, domestic rights, tax reform, an end to the industrial military complex, the end of patriarchal/misogynistic relationships, and all those other things that proponents of Gay Marriage say they want, then we need to bring the down the systems that have created and support them, not try and get included in them. How can the Gay establishment start making the critical connections between the critique of the institutional power structure of the mainstream world, and the gay establishment's obsession with accessing that same power via gay marriage and gays in the military? And where does this leave those of us that, for the moment, are choosing to stay out of relationships?

There is also the gentrification issue of the Gay neighborhoods,  not just our neighborhoods, but also our culture. People not queer moved in, open shops, increased the value of the property, started going to "our" dance clubs, wear "our" cloths, watch "our" movies, etc. Then started evicting those same crazy kids that built those communities. Many times by having to fight the city, Mafia, bigots, and violence that happened before gay was cool.

What happens when the mainstream world takes on one of their sub-culture's identity? How does that community maintain an identity? Because for me, assimilation does NOT feel safer. And the statistics of queer youth suicide are proving that.

So how to wrap this up, and not just keep going on some kind of rant? When I finally heard Mattilda speak, and read her words, I was finally able to feel all those things I stuffed down 20 years ago when I wanted to burn every rainbow freaking flag I saw and every "equality" sticker I was handed. I can once again feel proud to be QUEER. QUEER in a way that means "fuck the norm" "fuck the expectations" and "to hell with YOUR rules."

We can make a world that is a safer place for one and all  (all includes those that are not defined as human).  In social justice work, there is no single issue fight. You can not separate issues. They are all connected.... even human rights and animal rights.... you can't have one with out the other. After all, if you won't wear sweatshop made Nike clothes, then why would you wave a sweatshop made rainbow flag?

P.S. Since I stated revisiting this issue, several people that I care deeply about, have announced that they are getting married. To them, I say congratulations! Truly, from the bottom of my heart... and I have told them so.

3 Month Check-Up

Spring in Portland

I've been wanting to do a check-in on van life, but so much has been happening that I just haven't been able to write how I have felt, thought, worked through.... so here is an attempt.

When I first moved into the van, Portland had one of the coldest winter snaps that I can remember. I stayed plenty warm thanks to good gear I have from the years of backpacking in Colorado. I think I've written about this already. The weather has warmed. Spring is in full bloom and bud. I am as consistently happier than I can ever remember being in my life, and am wondering how this has happened.

One of the very first things I noticed one night as I was drifting off to sleep was how quiet it was. There was not the sounds of a refrigerator kicking on/off, heater firing up, a hot water tank, hum of electricity or Internet bouncing through the walls and air... There was only the sounds of white noise, the occasional car driving by, even the train rolling through the city seemed quieter/more comforting outside, than inside a house (it should be noted that I have spent a good deal of my life by rail-road tracks and find comfort in the hum of the rails and the sound of the horn).

Maybe it is because of this that I am sleeping better than I remember ever sleeping. I am sleeping deep, and dreaming at such incredible levels. My sleep patterns have always been troubling and fitful. When I  have dreamed in the past it leaned toward violent, chaotic, and disturbing. So far I haven't had a single apocalyptic dream. I have had some serious yelling in my dreams, but it was more like I was working shit out versus violence or chaos. The dreams have been super realistic and I sometimes wonder if they actually happened, and had to remind myself that the people in them don't even live anywhere I currently was.

Spotted on one of my walks of randomness.

This brings me to waking up, maybe the most profound part of this adventure yet. When I wake, sometimes due to  the level of my dreams, I have to figure out where I am. Not just in the way I use to after an intense dream. Before it would be like "oh yeah, I am in MY bed in the house I rent". Now it is "I am in the van. My head is on this end. I am parked.... facing toward....." Then I check my most basic needs. I can't just wonder half asleep to the bathroom and sort the morning cobwebs. I have to make sure that the pee jar has enough room for what is in my bladder (I have almost misjudged this a couple times and been thankful for Kegel exercises!). Is it warm enough to change cloths in the van. Do I need to get to a cafe for breakfast/tea/coffee.... In other words, I have to wake up and be present. I start my day in a type of meditation, and if I stay intentional, I spend a good part of my day present and aware.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes I spend way too much time thinking about were I need to be for where I want to go/do next. Other days are much more spontaneous based on where I wake-up because of what I did the night before. The spontaneous days are the ones that I really feel present in. It starts with the wake-up game I just mentioned. Then I walk to a coffee shop and check in for the day (brush teeth, charge up, warm up) then walk around to various places, chat with strangers (or friends I randomly run into), and just enjoy whatever comes in my path that day. If it is a work day, I go to work. If it is not, I just keep roaming. I stop when I want to. Maybe I swing in to watch a movie. Maybe I sit down and devour an entire book, a pot of tea, a growler of kombucha.... Every couple of days I end up at the gym for a nice workout and shower/hygiene maintenance.

Switching to a mostly raw food diet, I am both eating more fresh foods, and also more packaged raw food. I hope to move more and more to the fresh foods. Right now I am grabbing a piece of citrus (they have been so amazing this year), a carrot, avocado, celery, nut butter... you get the picture. I am sure this cleaner food is helping fuel all of the changes I've mentioned as well as the ones I'm about to.

In summation, I feel amazing and super in-touch with what is going on with my life, but hadn't thought too much about it until a good friend of mine, who is a teacher, sent out a call to some people for input on a book he is teaching, THE GLASS CASTLE by Jennette Walls (an excellent memoir). He wants to teach from the perspective of the characters who choose to be homeless. He was wondering about some good questions to explore economic alternatives for a generation that will not be able to buy a large house in the suburbs with 2 cars, etc. His desire for this exploration sent me deeper into exploring my choice of not living in a dwelling with an address. I can't compare my life at all to the characters in that memoir. Our experiences are vastly different for so many reasons. However, I recognized some commonalities. Mostly, the desire to not fall prey to the mentality of more is better, or that "our" government has our best interest at heart. That I don't believe in the "American Dream"....  come to think about it, there are actually a good number of values/ideas/believes that I can relate to when the main characters are not indulging in their respective addictions.

I can also relate to some uncomfortably. What do people think of me at the gym? Or the people that see me climb out of my van first thing in the morning? How about the people at the park that catch me doing some re-organizing? After a slight moment of feeling judged, I realize that no one is really noticing, or caring, or saying anything. That most everyone is feeling self-conscience about how others are judging them, or what they are thinking of them. Then I smile at them, at myself, at the awkwardness it is in being human. And I reflect that this life is the perfect life for someone like myself.... not just a nomadic spirit, but a loner by nature; destined to walk the lone road like Cane in KungFu.

Then, just this weekend, I had an experience while I was out dancing. It was no big deal in the moment, but as I was thinking a little about it, turns out its kinda big for me. A friend and I went dancing (finally I had a good queer dance night in Portland! fuck yea! real dance music!), and we were having fun. Someone kinda hit on me, I was awkward, and went on dancing. If I had been drinking, how to put it,I may not have been so awkward? So, anyway, my ego got some attention.

Then I really thought about it (days later), and I realized some deeper shit about myself. I have been suffering from a broken heart for such a very long time and haven't really paid it any attention. That there was a time in my early 20s that I could go out dancing/drinking meet people, be flattered, and NOT go home with them. That use to be my normal. Then I was in my first deeper relationship. It ended after a few years. Instead of just having a scab over my broken heart, I put up a wall. Instead of letting it heal, I started sleeping around. Sometimes I did this with people that I really did/do care about (perhaps that is why we are still friends), other times I never saw them again, reassured that it wasn't just casual sex because we had a really great conversation before/after.

Eventually I had another "big" relationship. It lasted a couple years, and though we both knew that it would end (one day at a time was our mantra), I was not prepared for it. I was at a loss when it came to an end. I had missed some crucial part of healing and being able to know myself. This is why it took me a couple years to get my shit together enough to move out here to Portland.

Being out here has been great on so many levels, but not for my romantic life. That part of me had kind of died. I got involved with people that I knew where not good for me on so many levels, until I have gotten to the point of not wanting to be involved with anyone... all I need are my friends.

So what I've realized after my awkward moment this weekend, is that I actually feel that my heart is healing. It has been broken in so many ways so many times, for so long; and not just from romance with other people but also how I've treated myself, how humans treat one another, the land, water, animals... how much has been over consumed, taken for granted, used up to nth degree.

What I think I am realizing is that this simple life is leading to a greater understanding of myself and how I want to interact with this world while I am a part of it. I don't want to fuck around any more. I want to get to know a place the way it is in that moment before I leave it. I want to take the time to know someone just a little more before I sleep with them. I'm not against casual sex. Don't get me wrong. I'm just realizing that, for me, now, I don't want superficialness in my life. I want my food organic and alive, not some packaged emptiness, and the same holds true for my relationships, friendships, work, play, life, dreams, ....

So, I guess what I am trying to say, is this life that I am choosing to live right now is helping me develop the discernment to know myself better. To shed some of this fear that has kept me locked up in myself that keeps people and places at a distance. To find ways to connect more deeply to the world around me and to myself. ... Its life as a meditation.

So This is 45

At the end of January is the time that I mark my solar revolutions (aka birthday). I'm usually at a loss on how to celebrate this event. Often I kind of wonder why I should, or what's the big deal. Though I totally support and super enjoy celebrating with others for theirs. Maybe if my birthday wasn't right in the heart of winter, I might get stoked on having a big camping party or something... but, alas, no.

Anyway, this post is late in the coming because I did get away for my birthday and had an amazing time. I was quiet. I was away from Internet but close to the ocean. I was able to focus on some projects, and its the excitement around those that has made me forget to write... here.


The Sylvia Beach Hotel in Newport Oregon is where I landed. Its an amazing space that a friend of mine suggest a couple years ago. It is in the Nye beach area, over-looks the ocean, and is Internet and cell phone free! Each room is decorated with the theme of a different writer. I was in the Alice Walker room. No it was not all purple; however, there were several books of her poetry stacked on a table. In truth I spent little time in my room. I was either walking outside, in the library, or the "living room" next to a fire. After dinner they served hot spiced wine... so yeah, I had a little to drink... I mean, come on... hot wine next to a fire with the ocean right there, with a book in my hands and the hotel cat on my lap... I found some contentment.

So soon I will start posting about those projects. I am really excited to be able to dig deeper into some topics that I have already discussed here, plus some new ones. Oh and the promised 5 year fitness project. It is finally taking some shape, and so am I. Hopefully these pics will give you a good sense of the calm I am still riding out.

one of my seats

the view from that seat

the hotel cat

found a co-op for some good food

sunset

watching storms roll in all day

this was my seat. the one on the right

view from that seat

Touched by Promised Land

I was preparing an update to being an Urban Nomad, my birthday get away, mixed with the project fit; when I up and decided to see a movie that changed all that. I love movies, but rarely find ones that move me, especially Hollywood films. But I was at the Bipartisan Cafe working on another project and decided to go to the next movie playing across the street. That movie was Promised Land. The film has many of my favorite people involved: Gus Van Sant, Matt Damon, Frances McDormand, Rosemarie DeWitt, put out by Participant Media, and based on a story by Dave Eggers.

Promised Land deals with the many problems that come up when large corporations meet small dying towns. Money. Family. Environment. Health. High School basketball. At various points in the film, the problems of natural gas, and energy in general, get some kind of mention. Damons's character brings up the alternatives of coal and oil (and war that comes with oil). He mentions that no one is willing to talk about decreasing consumption. No one mentions alternatives like solar or wind, although bio-fuel is mentioned.

I could go on. The bottom line is its a good film about a topic that is beyond needing to be talked about, and honestly thought about... but why did it hit me so hard.

I tell most people that I grew up in a small town in Kansas. This is not really true. I grew up in a mid-sized town surrounded by small farming towns. Emporia, where I lived until I was old enough to run away and join a college, has a population of around 24,000 people, a small college, a slaughter house and Dolly Madison Bakery. When I lived there it was mostly small businesses, few restaurants, one high school, and conservative people. Now I drive through there on my way to Kansas City, and it is full of mediocre corporate restaurants like Applebee's, there is a Walmart, and a Starbucks, all at the same off-ramp of I-35.

I use to tell people I was from Emporia, but it soon became disheartening. The would give me this look and say, "Oh yeah. My car broke down there once. It was a horrible experience. People were friendly, but GOD did that town STINK." It is true. If you are at the cross winds of IBP (the beef processing plant aka slaughter house) and Dolly Madison... your olfactory nerves are truly punished for your car's unwillingness to move you on down the interstate. So I no longer mention Emporia.

When I moved back to Kansas (Wichita came next in my list of addresses), after living in Texas for 6 years or so, I just started telling people I was from Dallas. I know some of you are saying, that's not much better, but with Kansas always being in the news for not wanting to teach evolution, Fred Phelps, or one more freaking Wizard of Oz joke... Texas worked just fine.

I left Emporia in 1986. Farm Aid had just started in 1985. All those little farm towns that were around my "home town" were drying up. The farm and seed co-ops (my first introduction to co-ops) were struggling. People were leaving the farms. More and more as I drove down those old country roads, large corporate seed signs were going up. Monsanto was taking over. People were selling out. My friends were trying to get scholarships and get off of those farms. I was witnessing the birth of ghost towns and the death of a way of life.

I am now shamed to admit that I was much like Matt Damon's character: sell and get the fuck out of there before it kills you. I loved and hated those little towns. Everyone knew what you were up to and with whom you were up to it with. When you don't subscribe to the norms of a community, it is a tough life. My blissful sense of freedom and fresh air was quickly stifled with some cruel comment or my own sense of not fitting in, belonging, of being different.

If we were sitting on the porch, drinking sweet ice tea, and some truck went by that no one recognized, everyone was suspicious.... I was curious. I wanted to know what else was out there. Everyone else seemed afraid. I reckon they had good cause, come to find out.

I would later have this same experience in Dallas. Only it was with artists in Exhibition Park, and the fear was of developers coming over from Deep Ellum. This time I understood the fear and frustration. use to be kind of the Harlem of Dallas before the early rounds of gentrification. Then some industry invaded, the punks squatted, then the yuppies invested.

The movie Promised Land hit home because I now miss those small towns. I don't miss the bigotry, homophobia, sexism, and racism that I experienced there. However, I miss the way of life. The slow pace. The home grown food. The care for the land and family.

I have a little fantasy. A bunch of "us" go in and take over these dying towns. We put in some solar and wind energy. We turn the dusty old pub, into a micro-brew public house for a community gathering place. There is a food co-op that "sells" what others grow/make. And then whatever other talents people have for whatever other needs we have. The 2-lane highways become bike paths that join us for trade and adventures. The pace is slow, the smiles are large, and the labor is joyful without much toil. The land of the mid-west is returned to the deep rich black soil that it use to be. That is my dream... well one of them....

An Urban Nomad

Home sweet home.

When I first started talking about my next adventure, someone said, "Well you are un-packaging yourself." I guess that is true.

When I went to Mt. Jefferson as the rains started to roll into the Pacific Northwest, I was hit hard with the feeling that I need, truly need, to spend more time in the woods. That after a day of being out hiking and exploring, as I come over the crest all happy and worn out, I see my blue tent and know I am coming home. I boil the water to make a simple dinner. Maybe I make a fire. I settle into the setting sun, the change of pace of my fellow creatures that regularly occupy the area, and sip a warm evening beverage.... I settle deeper and deeper to a feeling of belonging.

I have always felt a bit of a nomad. Its sort of pissed off some of my girlfriends and at least one partner. I have a suspicion that it makes some of my family members nervous. I just have such a hard time feeling connected to a place/house/home. I am almost always prepared to move on, sometimes run away, but mostly its just to move on and see what is around the next bend in the road, river, my mind.... Portland, the Pacific Northwest has been the exception. Still.... I can not find a "place" that I want and am able to call home.

So now I have decided to try an urban nomad life, and move into a van. My grand plan was to spend the winter getting rid of shit, saving money, and starting in the spring. I would spend my days off at the river, mountain, the coast... My plans never exactly work out as I imagine. I oddly found an old van that matched all my requirements at the end of November. I have spent December getting ready, and began the new year with a new way of living. And finding areas that are not yet filled with snow to outdoor it.

My requirements were: small cargo van (was looking at the Chevy Astro van ended up with a Ford Aerostar), fairly good condition, not too expensive in case I hate it. I went for cargo because it blend in with all the other white work vans around town (urban stealth-ability), they are made to last and haul stuff around. The smaller cargo vans get better gas mileage. I read a ton of van living blogs and talked to people about ideas and systems needed. Plus, a couple years ago a really good friend of mine made this transition, and I got to watch them do it, and had kept a little file in my brain about what I liked and what I would maybe do different.

The thing is, I found very little out there on what women are doing in vans. I found one about a woman with a kid, but it was written by a guy. There are a bunch with male/female couples. So how women dealt with female specific issues... I'm making up as I go along.

The first question I usually get is about the bathroom. I joined 24 hour fitness for showers and sauna. I wanted something that I could go to after work (around 11pm) for those cold nights. You know work out, sauna, shower, get super internal heat then climb into my warm sleeping bag. I looked for something local or not big corporate, but there is a reason it is called 24 hour fitness... Then I researched the best female peeing standing up devises, and found the pstyle. That with a good mason jar (with those tight fitting plastic lids) make a great bathroom. It is distinctly marked so as not to be confused with other mason jars. The perk of the pstyle is the rounded back edge. It acts like a squeegee, so you don't have to worry about wiping or drips. If you regularly bike, hike, have a desire to pee standing (or not fully dropping the drawers) get this devise! For other bathroom needs, I have a list of late night/early morning coffee shops, bookstores, and such that I can use... being healthy with regular bowel movements is helpful. The other devise that I use is the Diva Cup. Its especially great for overnight, and again, hiking/backpacking. It takes a little getting use to, but in just a short time it is super easy to manage.

OK, now that that stuff is out of the way. Lets talk food, the 2nd most asked question that involves fewer uncomfortable looks and explanations. Well I'm keeping it simple. Raw fruits and veggies mostly. I got a traveling personal blender The Tribest, is the one I picked. It has a nice little adapter for mason jars, unfortunately it is not for the wide mouth jars that I usually use, but I'm getting use to it. It is super great for the small jars that I use to make raw nut cheeses/spreads. I also found an electric kettle for tea and miso soup. I found a great inverter that plugs into the cigarette lighter thing and has 2 outlets and one usb port. To be honest, I haven't used them too much yet, but am looking forward to figuring it all out. In the mean time, you will probably find me dining at Canteen having an amazing smoothie, bowl, or the walnut taco salad thing that I am craving right now! I have several water bottles that I keep filled and bags of nuts and kale chips around.

I think those are the basics. I'm just a couple weeks into this new adventure and 5 days of that was, yup, cat sitting. I suspect that I will be tweaking and shifting things around. I did get a storage unit for opposite season clothing/needs, my massage table, one guitar, drum, and things I'm not ready to get rid of, as well as things I want to send off... oh yes, and books. Seems I have a horrible addiction to books. I'm giving away bunches, but still have 3 apple boxes worth in storage. Mostly they are books I do refer to often, or books I have for specific projects that I am hoping to jump on. The storage unit is fairly small, but I think I will be able to go smaller soon. Detachment is coming faster than expected. I should mention that I have space in the van for 2 milk crates of books... plant id books, and current project/pleasure readings.

Other things that have a permanent place in the van for now. The rear storage is backpacking gear, books, extra jackets, tools, writing resources, and things I don't need daily. In the front compartment, I have cloths, food, and food related devices. In the future (near I hope) will be a cooler when the temps get a little warmer out. What else? the sides have rain gear, sometimes my bike, shoes/muck boots... Oh yeah! sleeping.

So I was going to get some kind of smaller version of a futon, but when I went to Cotton Cloud, the guy told me about The Nomad Pad! I'll get a pick soon. It is the size of a twin mattress, but tri-folds. That means I have a bed, chair, and a lounger! It is 6 inches of firm foam with an amazing cover that is water proof and easy to keep clean. And I can just do a little flip and have plenty of room to slide it around and create a whole different environment... or make it look like no one is living in it while tooling around town.

OK so that's the basics. The goal is for this to remain somewhat dynamic. As it warms up, I'm sure that I will be spending more time in it, out of it at parks in such... but now you know how I have un-packaged myself. If you find me parked in your area, feel free to stop by for a cup of tea.

The woman I bought this little van from used it for traveling and her dad built her this great platform:

I gave away the futon, and began some remodeling. Not much actually. just one little cut and hing figuring.

it takes a great many tools for me to do something straight

no power tools were used in the remodel

smoothie break

this is the end i flipped one side to open to the side

thinking about what to do with what I have.

it may be cold

but this is my view

What Does It Mean to Be A Fit Person?

One happy hiker!

Today Portland has returned to it's natural fall self. We had an amazing summer and spectacular fall, and now the rains return. The gold and green is adding touches of red. The people are hoodied and smiling. All is well.

On top of it all, I snuck in one last backpacking trip. I finally made it up to Mt. Jefferson Park! It was a wonderful journey up 3800' in 6 miles... lots of up and stunning views. The days were hot and the nights were down right cold. It was perfect for contemplating and reflecting on a topic that has been bouncing around my brain for a while now.

Mt. Jefferson: seeing the mountain through the forest.

At some point this summer, I realized that my next birthday will be my 45th. I don't really think about age that much. Time ticks by regardless and I try to enjoy the moments as they come. The realization was more about, "Wow! My life is more that 1/2 over" I don't really plan on living to see my 9th decade, or my 8th for that matter. I am fairly good with all that. I don't actually care how long I live, but more along the lines of how well I live.

In addition to the tick of the years, my body is telling me it is changing. My hormones are adjusting. Menopause is on its way, if not already here in some ways. To venture into this next phase of my life, well to be honest, I don't want to miss it. It is another kind of rites of passage that we go through as humans, much like adolescence. But to be present for this next phase requires me to be a fit human being, but what the hohos does that mean?

For me, to be fit has meant that I was capable of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I could take off and hike, bike, run, play a ball game and not have to worry about if i could do it. However, it has come to mean so much more to me than that. Fitness is a subsection of health, of being a healthy individual. But can a healthy individual be without a healthy community? Can the 2 exist independently. I say "No".

So here is what is rattling around in my body about heath and fitness. First, health has to be more than this definition found on the web:

Noun:

The state of being free from illness or injury: "he was restored to health"; "a health risk". A person's mental or physical condition.

From the World Health Organization:" Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity." That is closer.

But there has to be more to it, right? If you are a farmer, and you look out over the crops you are caring for, are you looking merely for plants absent of disease, or are you looking for a plant that is growing and thriving? Plants healthy enough to ward off potentially damaging diseases or insects is what we hope to grow. Plants capable of feeding us, the soil, the air....

A good example of a healthy and fit garden came to me after Katrina hit New Orleans and the levees leveled communities. I was informed by some friends of mine doing bioremediation work to restore the health of the soil so that people could grow their own food again sooner than later, that some of the already established organic gardens prior to this disaster, were still absent of the toxins that other soils had absorbed. The only way they could explain this was that the healthy soil was able to fight it off. In other words, it's immune system was functioning well.

Mountain reflections while reflecting.

Humans work the same way, in my opinion. If we have a healthy, well nourished, un-stressed, active body and immune system, we are less susceptible to disease, discomfort, and invasive diseases. I would even go as far to say not just diseases, but also ideas, propaganda, dogmas, and outside communities. We know who we are, what we stand for, and what our basic values are. This is what I really want to explore more, eventually.

But let's bring this back just a little. So my initial exploration of developing some kind of fit lifestyle, was exercise. It is where a great many of us go at first. I started a running program. I've evolved a simple basic running "program". I run barefoot barefoot, not minimalist barefoot,for 30 minutes a few times a week. But it was hard to find some kind of running for fitness program to "follow". They were all about training for some big event; 5k, 10k, marathon. And at first, I was like yeah! I want to do a 1/2 marathon. Maybe the one around Timothy Lake. Still might, just not the organized one. I also would like to put together a Hood to Coast team. So I read a bunch of books about how to set up a program. When to do all these special drills and such. And I've tossed them all out the window. Well not actually. I took them back to the library. There is one book that has captured my attention. It is Fit By Nature by John Cover. Its a 12 week (one full season) program all based on exercises you do outside. I don't think I will start it now, but there is the daily dozen that I have already started.

I did join a gym. It is The Green Microgym on Belmont. I really like it. It is small with limited equipment, but space to do simple workouts. There is no pool, sauna, or even showers. In fact you share a bathroom with the other businesses in the space. Its about staying fit. No frills.

I use to always claim that being fit, for me, was not a body image thing. That was a bunch of bull.... mostly. I didn't and don't really care much about how I look, except for one thing. I want to look like I can handle whatever "you" toss at me. I want to look like I can take it, I am strong enough to handle your shit and mine and I won't fall over. I can also handle insults, slurs, bullies... "YOU CAN NOT HURT ME CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?" That, too... bull. But I could pretend. My present physical goal is to be lean, clean, and strong.

Other topics that involve having a fit body? Diet. A good solid clean diet. For me that is vegan, unprocessed as possible. Fresh fruits and veggies. Grains, beans, legumes. The best is knowing where it came from and who grew it, made it, cared for it.... and this leads into community... for me because it leads to a connection to all the things that exist outside of my body, the shell of my being.

The care of the food I eat, and for those that are involved in it getting to me and into my body is about developing relationships that are interrelated. We can not exist with out one another. When we are able to work together, we become fit citizens capable of a fit community. 

This is NOT about a capitalistic community where we are all able to participate in a capitalistic way. Being a good citizen is not about being able hold a "job". It is NOT about the amount of money you are able to exchange. It is about participating in anyway you can. You are actively involved in caring and feeding your community. Maybe you are an artist, story teller, builder, composter, food sharer of some sort... the list could go on and on. The point is we are connected and we make our community strong and healthy, so that when those that don't want us to be independent come around, we have the ability to continue to grow and thrive. We don't succumb to soul breaking ideas of what a "good citizen" is. We know what true democracy looks like to us. We don't fall into the capitalistic ideas of the Western World that we live in. 

So this is where I am starting my ideas for how I am going to be fit for my community. I would really like to hear your ideas, perspectives, opinions.... on the subject. In January, when according to my birth certificate I turn 45, I will begin another kind of challenge: 45 to 50 - 5 years of fitness. The goal is to enter my 50s as fit as I have ever been in my life. My practice will include a flexible and functioning exercise practice, yoga, meditation, political/environmental activism (Monsanto goes down fantasy to reality), spiritual practice, and community involvement. Hopefully by then I'll have a better Idea of this process.

For real, bring your ideas, challenges and all. I think this is going to be super fun!

"Silent Spring" Turns 50 and I Have a Confession

It wasn't on my radar at all, but somehow, I found out that Rachel Carson's "Silent Spring" was published 50 years ago this September. Prior to this revolutionary book, she had published 3 amazing books bout the sea. But this is the book that has sold more than 6 million copies in the US alone. This anniversary has, surprisingly (?), gotten little attention. Or maybe I just am not paying attention to the world right now.

One of the big things this book was credited for doing, was getting the government to ban the use of DDT. But even then there were people in high places using fear tactics to try and fight for the continued us of this deadly pesticide. One of the biggest opponents to the ban was Nobel Prize winner Norman Borlaug, "If you remove DDT with the hysteria that is present in the USA, the U.S. will be importing food, only there won’t be any place from where to import it.”

Luckily, the fear tactic didn't work that time, but the CDC tried to fight for the use of DDT again to fight malaria in 2006. The manufacturing company Syngenta claims that is is safe when used properly. And let's not forget that DDT started as a military weapon, as have the majority of our "agricultural" chemicals.

Her fight also helped establish things like the Clean Drinking Water and Clean Air acts, as well as the Endangered Species act. All of which are in danger of being watered down for the welfare of Corporations and American over-consumption. Orion Magazine has a great article this month called The Fracking of Rachel Carson if you would like to see a great comparison to the fight she was doing 50 years ago, and what is happening now. Fracking is not very kind to people animals or the environment.

What have we actually learned in 50 years? Politicians and corporations still use the fear of scarcity and disease to make products, or use processes that continue to make us ill kill the land animals people, and I'm pissed! A lot of us are pissed. But we get caught up in the world of trying to make ends meet. Trying to pay the bills student loans eat good food enjoy some leisure time.

Let's also not forget that those who do not want the general public to know this information, not only get respected people to say things like "we won't be able to fee the world with out these wonderful chemicals", but they also do all kinds of things to dis-credit the messenger. Carson died of breast cancer in 1964 after a long fight. And she did the best she could to hid it. There were actually people that claimed she was working so hard at protecting people and the environment because she blamed DDT for her cancer. Never mind that she was a well respect biologist. Never mind all the research and work she did. They questioned her motives. Who questioned their motives of greed?

She also had strong allies like John F Kennedy. The Audubon has a good article, Rachel Carson and JFK that describes their connections. 

A couple weeks ago a customer at the co-op, that i do have a pretty good rapport with, cornered me and just went off on global climate change and that the co-op needed to be more active about putting information out to inform people. The person started throwing out all this information and numbers and getting really worked up. Then I gently disagreed with him. We don't need more staggering statistics, we need the beauty of the works like "Silent Spring". Carson created an apocalyptic type scene, then she created a course of action. She gave us a story. 

And maybe that is what we need, stories that help us find our internal hero/moral compass to direct us through the difficult choices that we need to make...

And now for the confession. Its not really a confession, but more of a coming out of yet another closet... Somewhere around the end of May I kind of gave up drinking alcoholic beverages. My body just kind of lost a taste for it, and so has my compass. Before I go too far, I should say that I did sort of test the taste and craving thing by having a beer with a friend while I was on a trip, and have has a little bit of some mead made by and gifted to me by some friends of mine (really damn good mead I need to add), but mostly I have used them at special occasions or saving them for special occasions to share with good friends. 

But there is more to it than all that. As I have been thinking more and more about the use of resources in this world, as I disagree with all the land being used to grow grain for animals, was it hypocritical for me to drink beverages made from grains that could have been used to feed folks? What about the way alcohol companies use sexism to sell their products? They tell us what it means to be a strong man or desirable woman. How many times has the use of alcohol been all it takes to excuse sexual/physical abuse or rape? On a more personal level, I know I would have had fewer sexual partners (and probably short term relationships) without alcohol.

I had been wanting to give up the booze train for a little while, but to be quit honest, I wasn't sure what it would do to my social life. Would people still want to hang out if i choose bitters and soda instead of whiskey? Would people be willing to go to a cafe instead of a bar? Would people still like me if I wasn't buzzed? Would I still like my friends if I wasn't buzzed?

Then there was the question of do I have a problem with alcohol? What does it mean to have a problem with a substance? I thought I knew the answers to these questions. I've had different relationships with  alcoholics a great deal in my life, as well as people addicted to other substances. I suppose the answer is the one I learned in permaculture, "it depends". Whatever our relationship to anyone or anything, it can change at any time. Everything truly is impermanent. So today, my relationship with alcohol is not compatible with the way I want to live my life.

I may have a sip of some home brewed something made with great care and intention. I might have a glass of free beer that comes at the end of a 100 mile bike ride. I might even try and brew my own something again someday. But at the moment, I am really enjoying the presence and peace of mind that sobriety has brought me. And I am really excited/relieved that I don't have any cravings for it. 

And I have tested this. Within a week or so of letting go of alcohol, 2 of my super fun summer events that I am always well into a good buzz by the time they are over, came up. First was our Summer Street Fair. I am always given a good number of fee beers, stay late and help finish off the kegs and make music videos. Then there was my all time favorite beer fest, The Northwest Organic Beer Fest. Its outside. Its free to get in. Kids are welcome. Its outside. Discount for riding trimet. Special bike parking area.Its outside. Its organic, good veg food is available, and they try to lessen the environmental impact of such a large event. It was on the list for the summer, so I went. And I did have a great time. And I left when the level of intoxication around me started to be something I didn't want to be around. It was a great night with good friends!

It also solidified that I could do this. That I could even take a sip of a good beer, appreciate the craft, and not want to go have a whole one. That I am ready to live these moments present and aware of what is going on, and that I can still be fun, and that I love my friends, my community. They inspire me each and every day! 

Thank you!

A funny thing has now happened this week, I lost my taste for coffee. Lets see how long that lasts. In fact, I am loosing my cravings in general.